he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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