Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
