You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Randomize
