My friends, they love my intelligence
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
