: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
