so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
