Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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