All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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