normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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