I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I just sucked dick on a ferry
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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