im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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