you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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