the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
