the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
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