I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
