I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
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