were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
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