I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I can't turn off my feet"
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
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