He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
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