I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
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