Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
