She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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