my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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