matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
After he finished, he fell on the floor and whispered "finally satisfied"
Randomize
