Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Randomize
