"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
