dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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