the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
