i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Has anyone heard from Jamie or has she actually just been having sex for 48 hours?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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