Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
