I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Let the clothes fall where they may.
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