I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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