Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Green mimosas i think yes
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
