she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
