I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
