Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
