I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
