HIV tests are more positive than that guy
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize