yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Randomize