The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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