I just found puke in my bra..
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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