I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Randomize
