Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
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