don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
