I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
You need Xanax blowdarts
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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