Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
