Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
