I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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