I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
