Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Randomize
