he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
