happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
