how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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