Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
