You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
