So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
