I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
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