I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
